it hurts more in the daytime
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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