I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
