my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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