guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
