Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
