Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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