what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
