Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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