Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
