We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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