so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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