Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
