My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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