I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
