dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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