you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize