Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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