How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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