I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My dick has a subreddit
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
