I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
