You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
