I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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