Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
