Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
