I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
