nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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