piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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