I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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