Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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