i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
