i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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