I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
