the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
