i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
