i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
