Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
