So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
