the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
