I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
