im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
