I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
