You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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