do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
