Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
