My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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