I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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