We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
