Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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