I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
