When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
