If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
