Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
