My liver just broke up with me...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
