P.S. I can't hear my feet
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well I just put wine in my tea
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
