you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
