I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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