puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize