just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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