she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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