I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize