I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
