you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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