Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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